the trash heap has spoken...MEH

I'm back. fanfare

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 18:03:01 GMT

So yes. I ran away and found a community of pretentious artists (well, mostly very nice, but sometimes whoa self-important) on Art Bistro, where artists and graphic designers get together to be a mutual admiration society. But in my defense, I'm slightly insecure about my graphic design abilities and they have this rating system, and people (some of them) say nice things about my stuff and listen to my whining. I wouldn't want to burden the uninterested with "but is this GOOD enough?" vector graphics complaining. (Although if you like that kind of thing, let me know and I'll invite you. It's not as bad as I make it sound.)

So be it. I'm currently on a ridiculously hard quest to learn how to design my own website. When that's up and running, I'll let you know. One will be for graphics, and will replace http://katemoon.us, and the other will be a blog or something. Dunno. It's something to do. I have a few entries on another blog, http://elevatemesooner.blogspot.com, which I might post here later, for lack of anything better to do. I've kind of become an interweb slut, haven't I?

I still have the same old job. Bango is still around, and Creepus too, but Bango isn't my actual manager anymore (sad, I know) and we work in a different building, where I sit far away from Creepus and he has little reason to bother me. I'll try to be interesting anyway. It'll be a reach though.

So, since I'm perpetually single and complaining about it, here is probably the only story of note since last I posted here. I got set up with the most handsome guy I've probably ever had the privilege of having a shot in hell with. To include Dolph, who I've probably mentioned here as the Peter Pan, all encompassing breaker of hearts and all around worthless mama's boy. K and I were set up by a coworker at a big group lunch. We barely spoke there, because I sort of had my attention on the other single guy, who I thought I might have a better chance of landing, but K actually contacted me the next day, and was all flirty-face, "I really enjoyed the little that I got to talk to you" blah blah blah. He totally set me up for the possibility that he might actually like me and my imagination ran wild.

So we went to lunch, talked about all kinds of crap, things we had in common, places we'd both been to in Greece, and all-in-all, it was the easiest and most comfortable date I've been on in years. Fast forward to me never, ever hearing from him again. Fail.

It isn't so much that I'm enraged about it. I'm incredibly disappointed. I would love some insight as to why. I think there should be some kind of exit-interview. So I could learn, hey, you talked too much, and I was offended when you said this... I can't very well learn from something that seemed to be going well at the time....

So. There's your daily dose of bitterness, longing, and self-loathing. I'm out of practice, just give me time.

Tag.

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 00:12:36 GMT

Getting to know my friends better...

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?

2) What was your dream growing up?

3) What talent do you wish you had?

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?

5) Favorite vegetable?

6) What was the last book you read?

7) What zodiac sign are you?

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.

9) Worst Habit?

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?

11) What is your favorite sport?

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.

16) Do you have any pets?

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

22) What color eyes do you have?

23) Ever been arrested?

24) Bottle or can soda?

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?

28) Do you believe in ghosts?

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

30) Do you swear a lot?

31) Biggest pet peeve?

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?

34) If you could live anywhere in the world where would you chose?

35) Do you believe in God?

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Blah.

Tue, 15 May 2007 15:09:05 GMT

I'm having some kind of identity crisis or something, so I'll just stick to talking about Harpers Weekly and how awesome it is. And then, the most glorious headline CNN has ever produced.

The Milwaukee Brewers were giving away two free tickets to any fan who had his prostate examined, Bill Clinton wrote the clues for a New York Times crossword ("Team," read 5 across, "with Southern exposure"), and researchers at Johns Hopkins University linked throat cancer to oral sex.

Wow. It's just beautiful the way those topics all flow into one another. Save for the crossword puzzle clue, which I don't get. Throat cancer linked to oral sex. Too. Many. Jokes. Maybe the test subjects are doing it wrong? Now there's an excuse? Spectacular, Harper's.

In Richmond, Virginia, a painting of Britney Spears was covered up at the request of Barack Obama's campaign. Los Angeles was burning, and Democratic presidential contender Mike Gravel was speaking passionately in defense of gay marriage.

1. Why the hell was there a painting (not even a poster, but a painting) in a place where Barack Obama was speaking? I can't think of a single reasonable scenario.
2. Once again, genius sentence structure on the second part. Referencing "Paris is Burning" and relating it to a presidential candidate? Sweet.

The Senate passed a bill that would lift a 1975 ban on the sale of baby turtles, but would require safety pamphlets warning children about the risks.

I wonder how many dollars of my money those Senators earned while passing a bill that concerns the sale of baby turtles. Whatever the amount, it was surely worth it, for the children of the world shall know the joy of baby turtle ownership and shall not be ignorant to the dangers. Thus ends Sarcasticpiece Theater.

CNN's wonderful headline:
Waitress: Gun-toting Spector looked like Elmer Fudd
It does not get much better than a reference to Elmer Fudd from America's Most Trusted News Source.

In which I beat to death with a figurative stick those who speak in bad metaphors.

Tue, 08 May 2007 15:44:41 GMT

I don't feel like much besides making fun of politics and the news. This is from Harper's Weekly. Harper's Weekly makes my world go round. Or something. I'm having a strange life right now.

Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas said that the day Roe v. Wade was repealed would be "a glorious day of human liberty and freedom" and that the current tax system "ought to be taken behind a barn and killed with a dull ax."

Yes. I can see where the day that women are forced into motherhood against their will would be a glorious day of human liberty and freedom. Also, metaphors are not for everyone. Perhaps avoid them? Congrats, Sam. You're in the running for Idiot of the Week.

Senator John McCain of Arizona claimed that he would "follow [Osama bin Laden] to the gates of hell."

That statement is correct if he is implying that he will be in line behind bin Laden (actually, that's a bit extreme, but you know. All for the sake of the joke). Is this man capable of saying anything that doesn't sound wrong out of context?

Texas Congressman Ron Paul said that not going to war in Iraq would have been "conservative," because "it's a Republican, it's a pro-American, it follows the Founding Fathers. And besides, it follows the Constitution."

Whaaat? Grammar clusterf*ck aside, are we implying that the Founding Fathers envisioned the constant, pointless loss of America's soldiers in Iraq and said, "Yes. Upon this vision shall we build our country"? I guess they taught me some revisionist shit about "life, liberty, etc. etc." in school.

California Congressman Duncan Hunter took responsibility for the border fence in San Diego. "It's a double fence," he said. "It's not that little straggly fence you see on CNN with everybody getting over it."

Of course not. CNN sucks and cannot report accurately on anything. They probably show the fence that keeps the cows out of the corn in rural Nebraska and call it the border fence.

"No one on this stage," said former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, "probably knows Hillary Clinton better than I do," to which former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani replied: "Oh my!"

I hope Giuliani meant that in a funny way. And again, quit beating on grammar. It takes enough abuse on the internet.

Collectively, the candidates invoked Reagan's name nearly 20 times. It was announced that Reagan's diaries would be published. "Getting shot," he wrote in 1981, "hurts."

Yes, that's really one of the main strategies in politics, right? Invoke the name of something decent that happpened 20 years ago, and flog it until it dies and bleeds metaphors. And haha. Getting shot hurts.

Hillary Clinton said at a fund-raiser that her campaign would be similar to Harriet Tubman going back to free more slaves.

God, Hillary. What the hell?

Congressman John Shimkus (R., Ill.) said that pulling out of Iraq would be like the Cardinals leaving the field in the 15th inning to let the Cubs win.

So, are the cubs militant Iraqis? Or Democrats? Or is this another stupid metaphor?

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who is a Mormon, declared that his favorite books were *Battlefield Earth* and the Bible.

*Stars* were Harper's Weekly's, not mine, but I like the way they point out the obvious. Isn't Battlefield Earth something to do with Scientology? Or am I projecting that because of John Travolta? No matter. Shouldn't the Book of Mormon factor in there? Or, you know, some actual literature?

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that he will announce his resignation next week.

First, damn. I like Tony Blair. Not necessarily as a politician, as I don't really know where he stands, but I like him. Second... isn't that announcement there pretty much covering it? I love the British.

Sony apologized and admitted that it might have been "inappropriate" to promote a new videogame based on Greek mythology by holding a launch party in London featuring topless serving girls and guests eating offal from the stomach of a decapitated goat.

We live in a world where this kind of thing is pitched in a marketing meeting and thought to be a good idea at the time. Thank you, Santa Claus!

Tommy Lee was reportedly buying the manmade island of "Greece" in Dubai's "The World" project for his ex-wife Pamela Anderson, who has accused him in the past of domestic abuse and giving her hepatitis C.

If only I could find that kind of love. Also, Dubai is so weird.

Britons were enjoying a new reality television series called "Fat Teens Can't Hunt" in which ten overweight teenagers were sent to Australia's outback to live and eat with Aboriginal communities.

Why, why, why can't I live in England?? That's the greatest idea for an inappropriate reality show ever.

Scottish scientists were developing a pill that will simultaneously boost women's sex drive and decrease their weight. When the pill was given to monkeys, said the scientists, females displayed their feelings via "rump presentation and tail wagging" and males through tongue-flicking and eyebrow-raising.

Seriously. Monkeys are just like us.

A 68-year-old grandmother in England was the runner-up for "txt laureate" for writing a love poem to her husband. "O hart tht sorz," she wrote, "My luv adorz, He mAks me liv, He mAks me giv, Myslf 2 him, As my luv porz."

Vomit. Quit beating e. e. cummings' memory to death via text messaging.

Guests at a wedding in Patna, India, decided that the groom had arrived too drunk and had the bride marry his brother instead.

Perhaps this should be an option stateside.

Four thousand Filipina mothers in Manila tried to break the world record for simultaneous breastfeeding.

There's a world record for simultaneous breastfeeding? Why the hell? Also, I'll bet this is exciting to all the Nursing Nazis in their community and inciting blind rage in the community that hates children and everything to do with their well being. Falling squarely in the middle myself, as someone who has no real opinion, I may need to look into laughing at both.

Idiot of the Week: Louie Gohmert

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 15:43:41 GMT

After doing some background research, no one is going to beat this guy. He's amazing. That said, meet Louie Gohmert, R. Texas.

He looks smart, doesn't he?

The question is, who's reading to who?

If you didn't catch it in my journal, here's the main reason he wins the Idiot of the Week Award:

Representative Louie Gohmert (R., Tex.): argued against a hate crime bill from the floor of the House. "If you are going to hurt someone," he characterized the bill as saying, "if you are going to shoot them, brutalize them, please make it a random, senseless act of violence like Virginia. Don't hate them while you hurt them."

Upon further research, these are some other problems I have with the Gohm, as I've decided to call him. Here are a few of his positions that I do not agree with. (To be fair, there are a few things, in theory, that I would agree on, such as economical growth and new jobs, but those don't make my point.)

- Defending our Second Amendment Freedoms. (Oh for god's sake, just come out and say "I like guns.")
- Standing up for pro-life and pro-family policies.
- Supporting President Bush in the War on Terror.
- Defending traditional marriage.

During his tenure on the bench (for he was a judge, you see), Louie gained national and international attention for some of his innovative and conservative rulings on issues such as illegal aliens, drug trafficking, AIDS and illegal gambling.

Pray tell, how is one both "innovative" and "conservative"? To me, that's a contradiction in terms. But then, I'm a crazy, pro-choice, liberal, so I'm automatically wrong.

Here's some analysis on his positions on other things:

Voted YES on deauthorizing "critical habitat" for endangered species. (Sep 2005) (Now, the wording confuses me, but doesn't that mean "screw the endangered species"?)
Voted NO on allowing human embryonic stem cell research. (May 2005) (I feel very strongly about stem cell research. He gets an extra strong "f*ck you" on this one.)
Voted YES on declaring Iraq part of War on Terror with no exit date. (Jun 2006)
Strongly Opposes topic 2: Require companies to hire more women & minorities
Strongly Opposes topic 1: Abortion is a woman's right (Clearly, the government should make life choices for women, while men are free to do what they like. Don't get me started.)

This: http://www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com/archives/10579.html is maybe the greatest evidence of all. Here's the text of the article (Gohm specific WTFs bolded for convenience):

April 21, 2007
Louie, Louie: Converting Jesus into an anti-gay activist
Guest Post by Morbo

A hate-crimes bill is winding its way through Congress, and the Religious Right is furious.

The Rev. Louis P. Sheldon, that ramblin’, gamblin’ high minister of homophobia from California, flew to Washington April 17 to hold a press conference denouncing the bill. Sheldon asserted that if it passes, ministers will be fined or otherwise sanctioned for speaking out against gay people. He was joined at the event by Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-Texas), who echoed these charges.

There are a couple of things wrong with Sheldon’s analysis. For starters, two provisions of the First Amendment would prevent that from happening. Secondly, the bill specifically states that language alone will not be considered a hate crime. The bill is limited to instances of physical assault. It’s about sticks and stone, not words.

Questioned about this at the press conference, Gohmert launched into an incoherent tirade about how the bill might punish a person for “nudging someone” in a crowd while “trying to get off a piece of property.”

Huh?

What the bill actually says does not matter to the two Louies. In an attempt to be clever, Sheldon is distributing a “wanted” poster (.pdf) featuring a rather poor rendition of Jesus. The poster claims that Christ would be wanted for “revealing the truth about homosexuality in ‘the Bible’ and encouraging his followers not to offend God by committing such behavior.”

I don’t claim to be a New Testament scholar, but where and when did Jesus say this?

I poked around on the web to find the answer but had little luck. What I found was a lot of wishful thinking. One guy is so eager to put these words in Jesus’ mouth that he asserts when Jesus spoke of “eunuchs” in Matthew 19:11-12 he really meant gays.

The fact is, Jesus didn’t seem terribly concerned with homosexuality. This is perhaps not surprising coming from a guy who, as far as we know, never had a girlfriend and spent most of his time hanging around with 12 men.

However, there is one feature of interpersonal relations that Jesus spoke about with absolute clarity: divorce. He was against it. In Matthew 19:3-9 Jesus spars with some Pharisees who ask him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause whatever?”

Jesus responds, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

The Pharisees then asked, “Then why did Moses command that the man give the woman a bill of divorce and dismiss her?” Jesus replied, “Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except in cases of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.”

Ouch! Looks like Rev. Lou and Rep. Gohmert, in true Pharisee fashion, have elevated their own obsessions above those of their Lord and Savior. I’m sure they’ll see the error of their ways any day now and immediately begin pushing a federal bill to ban divorce. After all, this is a “Christian nation,” right?

A couple of the comments are classic:

don’t you remember the sermon on the mount? “blessed are the gaybashers, for they shall take over the republican party.”
Comment by mellowjohn — 4/21/2007 @ 8:42 am

And lo, a male hooker shalll come forth and say unto the masses: “Yea verily, I have done the nasty a myriad of ways with the one who is called Louis Sheldon and that cheap bastard still owes me money.”

And the masses shall say “OooooOooooO!!”

And a goat shall come forward and say: “Naa-aa-aa!” and roll its eyes in a meaningful manner at the one who is called Louis Gohmert.

And the masses shall say “Dude! Thou art a sick mofo!”

And the two Louis shall look like Dicks because of their Peters.

And the masses shall consume bushels of popcorn.

BTW Lou I and Lou II need to read Jesus’ words on hypocrites but I guess they can only wave their Bibles, reading is too much effort. Jesus never said word one about gays. Hell, he hung out with tax collectors and whores.

Maybe that explains why so many Talevangicals like the working girls. And boys.
Comment by The Answer is Orange — 4/21/2007 @ 8:54 am

One last quote:

"This legislation would say that protecting someone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity -- whatever that is -- is in the same category as protecting individuals who suffer because of the color of their skin or religion," said Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, who serves on the Judiciary subcommittee.

Gender identity. Whatever that is. Awesome.

So, congratulations, Louie Gohmert. You're the Idiot of the Week for the week of 23 April. I'm still working on your certificate.

I think I might make a little community for these. Because... I like communities, and I have the fervent hope that one day I might have a popular LJ community that everyone will want to join and then I'll be one of those popular LJ people. Sometimes, I need attention like that.

Helium

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 16:26:55 GMT

Would anyone like an invite to write on Helium? If so, send me your email (I'll screen them). It's a pretty fun site, where you can write on just about anything you know anything about. Some writers don't even feel as though knowing something about what they're writing is necessary. You get paid for every time someone reads one of your articles. A penny, but still. It would be mutually beneficial.

Also, if you're already on the site, let me know and I'll add you to my favorites and read your things. Can you tell how little I have to do at work?

And I promise to get back into reading all of everyone's entries soon... I'm being a crap LJ friend, but the first step to rehabilitation is admitting you have a problem. Or so I gather from all of the celebrities who have been rehabbed recently. Also, I understand that I can order out for pizza and get my nails done, so it's cool all around.

Also, shut up, CNN:
"Black women who use 'ho' say Imus can't"

Aaaaannnd we're back....

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 20:06:38 GMT

No longer obsessed with talking about "nappy headed hos," CNN now once again blares Anna Nicole headlines. The father is Larry Birkhead. Like we didn't already think that. It would have been so much funnier if it had been Zsa Zsa's husband.

An Open Letter to CNN:

As much as I like Anna Nicole and stories about her, and watching her reality show (I'm not being sarcastic, I acutally own the first season on DVD. I'm sincere, but just this once), it would be okay to let this go. Give Anna Nicole's posthumous legacy to Enquirer and Star and US Weekly. It's what she would have wanted. I don't need to hear much more about this until the tell-all book comes out. I'll totally buy that. But anyway. CNN: let it go. Seriously. You're beginning to lose the memory of that last shred of dignity.

Thnks,
Kat.

I do not <3 CNN...

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 15:49:39 GMT

...but I heart whoever decided to forge ahead and put the phrase "nappy-headed hos" on the main page in regard to that ass Imus and they win my eternal love forever. Just seeing that on the main page warms my heart, because, like CNN, it's just a stupid move altogether.

Bored.

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 17:59:54 GMT

A meme, shamelessly stolen from rodshark because I am bored:

If I were a month, I'd be: October
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Thursday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: 11 PM
If I were a planet, I'd be: Saturn
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: A seahorse
If I were a direction, I'd be: West
If I were a piece of furniture I'd be a: Sofa
If I were a sin, I'd be: Pride
If I were a historical figure, I'd be: Tallulah Bankhead
If I were a liquid, I'd be: Mercury
If I were a tree, I'd be a: Mimosa
If I were a bird, I'd be a: Goldfinch
If I were a tool, I'd be a: Level
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be a: Lily
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: Rain while the sun is still out
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be a: Water Nymph
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a: Bass guitar
If I were an animal, I'd be an: Owl
If I were a color, I'd be: Orange
If I were an emotion, I'd be: Melancholy
If I were a vegetable, I'd be a: Potato
If I were a sound, I'd be: Music
If I were an element: Earth
If I were a car, I'd be a: Classic Thunderbird
If I were a song, I'd be: Rock N Roll - The Sounds
If I were a movie, I'd be: American Beauty
If I were a book, I'd be: She's Come Undone - Wally Lamb
If I were a fruit, I'd be a: Pomegranate
If I were a place, I'd be: London
If I were a material I’d be: Cotton
If I were a taste, I'd be: Vanilla
If I were a scent, I'd be: Amber
If I were a religion, I'd be: Undefinable
If I were a word, I'd be: Cellar
If I were an object, I'd be a: Tea cup
If I were a body part, I'd be: Ears
If I were a subject in school, I'd be: English
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: Raised eyebrow
If I were a manga/cartoon/anime/book/etc.. character, I'd be: Penelope (PePe Le Pew's girlfriend)
If I were a shape, I'd be a: Triangle
If I were a number, I'd be: 11

Yay!

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 14:51:02 GMT

My article about Grey's Anatomy that I wrote a long time ago is featured on the Helium homepage! Everyone go to www.helium.com and read it, because I get money for every unique visitor. It's only $0.01 per, but still. I'll take what I can get. While you're at it, you can always read my other articles as well... Just click on my name (Katherine), and it will take you to the listing. Titles and teasers:

The most important element in a novel revealed
Characters are often the most important element in literary fiction. Plots themselves are often character-driven, especially if the theme is not p...

Getting over writer's block
One of the most effective ways to avoid writer's block is to simply write through it. It doesn't matter what you write; not everything has to be p...

Experiences with blog writing
Livejournal is an interesting blogging experience. It allows the writer to interact with others by adding them to their friends list, or by joinin...

Difficulties you might encounter with the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo)
National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo, is a contest that takes place during the month of November, during which participants attempt to write ...

TV show review: Grey's Anatomy
Grey's Anatomy, now in its 3rd season on ABC, is a show that holds a broad appeal to a wide audience. Through a combination of self-conscious narr...

They're a little dry, but they're mostly responses to topic questions. Anyway, yay! This is not at all like being published, but it validates me in some small way.

www.helium.com :)

Ah, myspace.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 08:29:38 GMT

I feel like I've just been molested by MySpace. More than normal:

Hey, angel

Who is your valentine, do you have a valentine

I would like to be your valentine
My I be your valentine if that alright with you
Well hope hear from you

You can be my my space internet valentine if we can meet up

I know its not valentine its has pass
It the month of feb
The month of brothel love
Do you work out
If you need a partner just let me know

I hope you receivce my message

I see you looking classic there, by the way looking nice, you are working the run way all the way go go go go go just joking at this part but you are working it all the way, what do wowowowow girl you are working it you do you are running the run way you tell them ok

HEY,
you look like a queen there why does a beautiful young lady like you does have a man you are rocking it, you need a man like me to treat a lady right or a woman
joking with you look like money there, you rich

Well hope hear from you, well that all I got to say cuteness well hope hear from you ok and you have a cute face on top of that and some nice eyes where do you get that
Columbia Records
Puerto Rico Records

thanksss
i haven't hear from you whats uppppp
whats been upppp and down

i do speak again lauguguas
i speak spanish and english and a little germany
but can't hold a conversation in german
where are you from
you been in alabama
most of your hole life

...
What?? I really can't read "the month of brothel love" without having to stop for the laughter.
I look like money? I'm rich? Working the runway? Lauguguas? This is the greatest thing I've ever seen. He certainly does seem to understand me... I have indeed been in Alabama most of my whole life. And the month of brothel love... how can you pass that up?

Random Musings. Or whatever.

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:45:13 GMT

My computer is a horrible contraption. Which is why I'm being neglectful of catching up on the journal things. I probably wouldn't be a real upper if I read LJ from home, as waiting five minutes for a page to load and begin typing, only to have the page freeze up for another long time irritates me beyond any rational level. In other words, I'll be doing the LJ exclusively from work for probably a long time.

Which I'm sure you all care about.

I'm just killing time while I wait for the Grammatical Fabrys to rip my latest, very cool graphics apart, which I had to come in on a holiday to work on. Although Evil Boss Woman (until I come up with a better name for her) apparently loves them. Exclamation points were involved.

My newest guilty pleasures are the Jackass DVDs. It's best that I go ahead and admit to it. I heart Johnny Knoxville.

This whole entry is obviously fueled by the fact that I haven't eaten anything since around 6 last night, when I spooned some peanut butter out of a jar and called it dinner. God bless the Wellbutrin. I'll stop now, since I'm probably about to get put on some of your "crazy people" filters.

Boredom Killer.

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 16:27:57 GMT

Here's something to do if you're bored. I was. It helped. Thanks winterplum_24

1. Ever punch someone in the face?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you single or taken?
4. Do you eat with your hands or utensils?
5. Do you dream at night?
6. Ever seen a corpse?
7. Have you ever wished someone dead?
8. Do you like Bush, the president?
9. What's your philosophy on life? And on death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know about it, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police? (the cops, not the band)
12. Do you like country music?
13. What is your fondest memory of me?
14. If you could change anything about yourself, would you?
15. Would you date me?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool? While you were still in it?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. What is your favorite thing about me?
21. Do you think I'm attractive?
22. What's your favorite color?
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you.
25. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

And one I wanted to answer:
1. What's the longest time you've spent standing?
10 solid hours. When I worked at Dollywood, on a record breaking day, directing traffic. That job sucked balls. Our reward was a free meal (under $8) at the park. Anything at Dollywood under $8 is going to give you food poisoning. Trust me when I tell you this.
2. How many people on LJ (or your blog) know your real name?
Probably about 5 know my full name. My first name is on my user info.
3. What makes you afraid?
Spiders, pigeons, crowds, rapidly moving water, crush injuries, losing a limb.
4. What's the worst physical injury you've had?
A busted knee from when I fell down the stairs on Halloween/Ripping my entire big toenail off. It's more horrible than you think.
5. What line won't you cross?
A pickett. Unless it's Boeing, because 1. They're always on strike, and they yell at people who won't wave at them, and they wear hipwaders and look stupid in them and 2. I work at their facility. Homegirl needs her paycheck.

RIP Anna Nicole

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 21:10:43 GMT

Holy crap, Anna Nicole Smith died. Saying that I can't believe it would be inaccurate, but damn. Ever since the first season of her reality show, I've been fascinated with her in the manner of watching a trainwreck. Her baby is cute. Perhaps now they'll find out who her father is.

This makes me sad. Sad like I'll be when Hugh Hefner dies. People whose lives are totally and ridiculously unlike my own sort of make my snarky little world go round.

That is all.

Edit: Except that I find it somewhat amusing that all of the ads on foxnews are for weight loss products.

CNNisms

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 21:17:53 GMT

I smell Jeanne Moos' (my most hated of all CNN correspondents) hand in all of these:

Kangaroo-ish animal caught in subdivision
- Kangaroo-ish? It's either a kangaroo or it's something else. Perhaps you should research.

Dad used 100,000V stun gun on baby, cop says
- And you want to show me a video of it? Not sold!

CNNMoney: Snickers kills Super Bowl smooch ad
- I don't know why this annoys me, but it does.

Rowling 'mourning' end of 'Harry Potter's' tale
- Not really a Moos worthy thing, but shut up, JK Rowling. You could buy a child on the black market to BE Harry Potter. You're not tugging at my heartstrings with your tale of rich-lady sorrow over a fictional character. Also, finally.

A talk with a porn star
- Unironically, this is a video.

Man with paralyzed wife seeks $1M on corner
- It doesn't seem the most effective way to go about it, but then I haven't seen the video.

U.S. 'copter burns near Baghdad
- When you're as rushed for time as CNN, spelling out "helicopter" wastes valuable nanoseconds, thereby leaving no time for such gems as "Denver, Thailand."

A bird, a plane, an UFO?
- Dear God. An UFO. Who sees "UFO" and says the phrase? Probably Jeanne Moos.

Lovestruck astronaut grounded
- Parents say she can come out of her room when they're good and ready.

A guide to guidebooks
- Only in America. It's a video too.

Various other stupids:

Haggard 'completely heterosexual' (I hope this is Merle. I don't care to find out. Was there a question about it?)
Astronaut's star appeared to be on rise at NASA (Jeanne Moos on how NASA's Hubble telescope steered them wrong, with near black-hole results.)
Fake 7th grader faces charges (What kind? Driving without a license?)

Thanks, Blogthing!

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 18:42:34 GMT

I don't normally do these (that's a lie. I do them, I don't post them.) but I'd like to analyze this one. Comments are included within the picture.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

(Kat says: I chose to save a rabbit from extinction. Therefore, I crave a horny, emotioness bastard. Which may or may not be accurate.)

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

(Kat says: An African tribe made me take a live animal as a souvenir. I picked a monkey (why can't these things actually happen to me!!) making me a sucker for creative sex.)

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

(Kat say: God got pissed and turned me into a cat. Apparently cats are stylish and alluring. I'll buy that.)

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

(Kat says: First of all, this is ABSOLUTELY AND 100% TRUE. All because I choose to make snakes disappear forever.)

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

(Kat says: If any animal could talk, I would want it to be a rabbit. Rabbits are warm and I love them. Enough said.)

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

(Kat says: First of all, screw you, blogthing. What, because I choose to have a bird as my only companion on a deserted island, I'm given to fly? It makes sense to choose a bird. As they could fly away and find someone to rescue me. So therefore, practicality makes one adulterous. Good to know.)

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

(Kat says: So, I'm a cheater, but marriage is sacred. Can't have it both ways, blogthing. The wish to tame a white tiger makes me a contradictory cuss.)

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

(Kat says: This is because I would choose to be a cat. Cats having little concept of monogamy, and obviously being all about themselves, make me a heartless bitch.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

This is my horn. See me toot it.

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 21:26:05 GMT

Yay! I'm nearly finished designing the logo for the group that I work in. This is the result of my first foray into Photoshop, and hopefully I'll be able to take some graphics classes soon, as I think that's the career direction I want to go in. I'm happy with it, and my bosses seem to be as well. [At this point I have just finished a 5 minute conversation with Creepus about dogs. And I was fairly nice. I should get points or a cookie or something. Anyway.] Here's my logo, crappily scanned, since I can't get excited about it with the coworkers:

Tada!

Fun (or something) with CNN.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 16:58:36 GMT

"You don't want your president sitting in the Oval Office worried about the activities of a hostile regime that can have all kinds of impacts on our security, starting with economic security," Bush told employees of DuPont, one of the largest researchers of alternative fuels.

I think he's trying to shame them. "You don't want daddy to spank you, do you? I didn't think so." Also, he's right. I'd rather have my president being productive than sitting and worrying. Or more accurately, sitting and letting his mind wander.

In his Delaware talk, Bush said that a too-heavy dependence on oil "means that if a terrorist were able to destroy infrastructure somewhere else in the world, it's going to affect what you pay at the gasoline pump."

Didn't this happen over a year ago? When gas prices went up to $3.25 for a month?

Bush picked up bottles of milled corn stover, poked his fingers into a beaker of wood chips and picked up a handful of switchgrass.

He then was asked to leave because he was unaccompanied by a legal guardian, and Dupont has a strict "hand in pocket, you break it, you bought it" policy.

Incredible blinking Pelosi clocked at 85/min.
The State of the Union speech was blinky. And drinky. And, of course, winky. CNN's Jeanne Moos reports.
For that description, Jeanne Moos has made herself a sworn enemy. Better watch out, Jeanne. Ask Scott Stapp about me. Don't make me hate you.

Freaky-eel-like-bulb-head shark in Japan
I'm going to have to go ahead and assume Moos wrote this one too.

Randoms

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 17:50:23 GMT

First of all, hahaha: Boy's screaming kills hundreds of chickens. And it's not even from CNN.

Secondly, I love Harper's Weekly. The Best Parts according to me:
The United Nations announced that 34,452 civilians were killed in Iraq last year, a number nearly three times higher than previous estimates by the Iraqi interior ministry. "I think," said President George W. Bush, "the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude." Sex-changing chemicals were discovered
in Washington, D.C.'s Potomac River.

Ah W. Always the sharpest egg in the carton. And having once lived near the Potomac,
I wouldn't be surprised to learn that those chemicals were actually native to the water.

Connecticut was fighting with Texas over which state invented the hamburger. "We are even the birthplace of George Bush, who wants people to think he's from Texas," said New Haven mayor John DeStefano. "The hamburger is as much a New Haven original as President Bush."

So they're claiming him? The hell?

Scientists in London were working on a gum that suppresses appetite and fights obesity. "Obese people like chewing," explained a researcher.

And then that researcher was fired for being an idiot.

A freeze destroyed as much as 75 percent of California's citrus crop. "We may have to do without guacamole for a while," said a Pasadena resident. "And we may be drinking
our Coronas without limes."

Well, bless your hearts. I know we're going for the sarcasm here, or at least I hope so, but damn.

Zookeepers in Thailand put their male panda on a diet. "Chuang Chuang is gaining
weight too fast," said a zookeeper, "and we found Lin Hui is no longer comfortable with having sex with him."

Maybe it's not because he's fat. Maybe it's because he's emotionally unavailable. That would make any panda uncomfortable.

Researchers found that the majority of women in the United States are living without a spouse, and women in Canada were joining professional pillow-fighting leagues.

I can't wait until ESPN runs the PFL Championship. Go Canada!

Europeans were traveling to Bulgaria to purchase Boza beer, which allegedly increases bust size. "I've bought a case for my wife to try out," said one Romanian man. "I really hope I see an improvement."

I really hope you see a Lee Press-On Nail in your eyesocket.

In New York City, a Madison Avenue antiques dealer was suing, for one million dollars, a group of homeless people who had taken up residence outside his business.

The antiques dealer then died, being too stupid to maintain a pulse.

After a teacher at a nearby school complained, a Florida Hooters removed a sign from
the front of the restaurant that read "plagiarism saves time."

Let's be honest here. If a Hooters is that close to your school, you've already lost the kids.

It would be nice to smoke a bowl right now.

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 18:24:00 GMT

But instead, here I am at work, actually working for a change. I get to design a logo for our group (eventually, in my spare time after all the other crap I have to do first) and I am much excited about it. I'm not that familiar with Photoshop, but have decided that maybe the direction I can take in order to make this a career rather than a job is in graphics. Is anyone in graphics? Or know about it? I'm planning to take a class at some point, but any tips would be much appreciated.

CNN says:
20-lb. rabbits may help save starving families
And all I have to say is "Buh?" Are they feeding the families rabbit? I hope not. Instead, I like to picture that it's something more like giant rabbits are taking it upon themselves to deliver rations and MREs to whatever starving families we're talking about here. Superhero rabbits, whose keen sense of hearing and ever wiggling noses conspire to seek and save the poor and underprivileged. The Rabbits of Doom, to those who oppose them.

But I'll never know, will I? Because it's a CNN video and those don't work here. F*** you, CNN, and your little Pipeline too.

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 20:14:59 GMT

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/01/17/human.attraction.reut/index.html
Is this really news? CNN.com makes me want to punch babies. Not just because the above article is simply the pinnacle of common sense, but because their video headlines are absolutely mind-killing. Examples of awful headlines (video or normal) that I've saved (mostly old):

Korn recently shot "Unplugged" episode [aside: Whaaat? Really? The band Korn? Freak on a Leash Korn? A.D.I.D.A.S. Korn? Acoustic? My mind is blown.]
Bush 'happy' for pregnant Mary Cheney
Folks try to adopt pup that ate baby's toes
Men fight to say they impregnated Anna Nicole
Is the Brangelina baby cuter than a panda cub?
Dozens poisoned by grills in wake of storm outages [You've no idea how badly I wanted that to say grillz. And mean "diamond teeth".]
Dogs, horses, copter hunt for lost dad
Faking retardation (1:30)[This was a video. Are they giving tips? God.]
New homeland security buzz: Bomb-sniffing bees
Guy in neon Speedo-thingy embarrasses nation
Expensive baby girls tossed into Indian wells
Marine recruiter sought 'comfort' raping girl
Fat black bear strolls, seeks trashy meal
Python bites woman, latches on and squeezes
Students' happy gumballs packed with reefer
20-pound fish has teeth of a toddler
Mom in coffin mix-up demands, 'I want my baby'

In short, I want a job writing headlines for CNN.

Bored.

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 19:39:24 GMT

Reply to this post, and I will tell you my favorite icon of yours. Then post this to your own journal using your own favorite icon.

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 21:45:57 GMT

Today just can't be over fast enough. I have the headache of my life, and am dealing with a passive agressive security officer that I've gotten in trouble for not following policy. Quoth him:
"The trouble was my own doing, I suppose. No good deed goes unpunished, I've heard."
...
The trouble was absolutely your own doing...I just pointed it out. And what exactly was your good deed? Sending a classified package to the wrong address and labeling it totally, inexplicably incorrectly? Is it grammatically correct to use three ly-s in a row? I don't really care.

Creepus logbook:
10:02 - Shows up at work. A full hour and a half after the time we're tasked to show up. He "just can't get up early" enough to make it in by 8:30. Yeah, all right.
10:04 - Coffee. Goes and fills the pot with water and waits for someone else to grind the beans because he won't learn how. This is a computer system programmer. I once had to teach him how to work the fax machine.
10:10 - Sits down to breakfast, his first fast food meal of the day (1 of 3 is today is like most).
10:37 - Says Ed-Bo for the first time of the day. Continues all day.
11:53 - Begins talking about lunch.
12:45 - Goes to lunch. Something involving grease and french fries.
13:50 - Returns. Laughs loudly at a bad joke. Makes one of his own. (When I said laugh, I meant brayed.)
14:07 - Commences to do the following: Shakes cup of ice. Types. Shakes cup. Chews ice in manner that carries across the room. Shakes cup. Types. Shakes cup. Chews. And so forth for the next hour and a half.
15:01 - Attempts to engage me in a conversation about how hard it is to remember the new combination to the door. Fails.

At least he didn't clip his nails.

I have an employee evaluation at 4:00. Gah.

This is as close as I could get to a picture of Creepus:

The sorcerer's hat is an exaggeration. As far as I know.

Bango.

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 04:06:33 GMT

Bango is my boss. Not as interesting as Creepus, but still remarkable in his what-the-fuckedness. I call him Bango because of an email exchange that went something like this, keeping in mind that every one of the messages was sent to our entire group, which is around 60 people. The "reply all" button is my friend.

Guy leaving on vacation says: Something about going on vacation to the woods of Appalachia.
Smart coworker: That's Deliverance country. Better watch out!
Bango: Just run away if you hear any bangos!
Smart coworker: What exactly is a bango, in case I need to know?
Bango: BANJO. Leave me alone I went to school in Alabama.
...
We all pretty much went to school in Alabama. Because we live in Alabama. (Further, we live in Huntsville, which sucks you in like a vacuum with it's defense industry, making you virtually unemployable in any other field, but anywho.) We still know how to spell basic words... In fact, if there's any instrument that Alabamians have no excuse for not spelling correctly, it would be "banjo," said instrument having traveled from Alabama on the knee of someone who made Suzannah cry.

Other key facts on Bango:
- Is close to seven feet tall. Blusters around the room as though he were a normal-sized person, leaving a trail of forms he hasn't signed in his wake.
- The day I found out that I had been transferred to his group, the only thing I remember him saying was "shitty shit shit." Shitty shit shit. Like he's 11.
- Drives old VW Beetle, which he has altered so that it has more power than your average dualie. Was scandalized that I've never ridden in an old Beetle. Has promised to take me for a drive. I hope he's forgotten, because I don't think I could make enough awkward conversation to make it out of the parking lot.
- Took him six months to figure out that I'm sarcastic, not just perpetually in a bad mood. I really don't try to hide my sarcasm. You probably can't tell. (See?)
- Is a gourmet cook. A really good one, which does not help my point, but still. If he fed me everyday, I would be a more effective employee to the tune of about 25 lbs.

Tomorrow, I'll make a Creepus log at the suggestion of becca4of5, and because camera + government lab = terrorist, South Park generator renderings of Creepus and Bango. Which I didn't make special for this, but have had for quite some time. I don't know what that says about me.

Coworkers.

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 17:33:35 GMT

For those of you who are new to me and my work horrors, allow me to introduce Creepus:

- His fingernails are twice as long as my averagely FEMALE ones, and manicured with much more care. He manicures him at his workstation. Which prompted me to come up with a way to obstruct my view of this. So now I just hear it.
- He once took his shoes and socks off to show someone how hairy his feet are. I remain blissfully unscathed by this vision.
- Because he once heard someone refer to another coworker as Ed-bo, he will now call him nothing else. Ed-bo. ED-bo. ED-BO. Imagine how irritating that is. Multiply by 10. You're close. No one has since referred to the man as Ed-bo because Creepus ruined it.
- White tube socks with dress pants, 100% of the time, 5 days per week. I don’t know what he does on the weekends. I hope to never change this.
- Whenever someone drinks the last cup of coffee, he says "You kill the joe, you make some mo'." (I am absolutely not kidding you.) To which I always want to respond "You say that one more time, I rip your f-ing face off." If you heard the guffaw that without fail always follows that statement, you would not think me overracting. Let alone the fact that he thinks it’s hilarious every. single. time.
- Every time, and I mean every single time he catches me feeding Filet, my bulemic office fish, he runs over to watch and heehaw about how funny it is... that the fish is eating? that the fish spits his food out? I don't know. It's a fish. They aren't inherently amusing.

Recent Creepus email:
One of my friends is looking for an apartment near (where I live) Dr. so I may probe for a bit of intel.
I know what a huge Star Wars fan you are so here's some thanks in advance: (attached here was some sort of photo of some shit from Star Wars made out of legos. I do not, in fact, like Star Wars. He knows this, and therefore brings it up, that's right, every single time he can and often when he shouldn't.)

You'll see Creepus again, and eventually learn why I call my boss Bango.

In closing, the person who wrote this sentence almost certainly makes significantly more money than I do:

Why does thinks have to change, it use to be so simple?

Yes indeed. Why does thinks have to change?

the trash heap has spoken...MEH

I'm back. *fanfare*

Tag.

Blah.

In which I beat to death with a figurative stick those who speak in bad metaphors.

Idiot of the Week: Louie Gohmert

Helium

Aaaaannnd we're back....

I do not <3 CNN...

Bored.

Yay!

Ah, myspace.

Random Musings. Or whatever.

Boredom Killer.

RIP Anna Nicole

CNNisms

Thanks, Blogthing!

This is my horn. See me toot it.

Fun (or something) with CNN.

Randoms

It would be nice to smoke a bowl right now.

Bored.

Bango.

Coworkers.

I'm back. fanfare